Fragment
by FallUnworthy
Summary: I watch everything around me slowly lose its significance to a dull, painful throb inside my chest, but I know it's not the world that's died; it's just me. This is a Kai depression fic, violence, alcoholism and self-harming all included TalaKai


+Title: Fragment

+Summary: his father comes home drunk, his mother wraps herself in silence and pretends she's blind and the only escape he sees is self-harming. Pairings will be revealed...

+Disclaimer: don't own…except for the ways of self-harming, father, mother and aunt....._**sorry about possible mistakes...**_

+Warning: self-harming, swearing, violence, depression, family breaking apart

**One more thing! This is just a prologue, not a first chapter! If you read it and don't really like it, please just wait for the first chapter and read it too. If you still don't like it, give up on the story; that's a tiny favour I'm asking from you, please...**

Prologue: The Beginning of a Perfect Nightmare

It feels like I'm floating in empty, silent space. Inky black is all around me, keeping me captive in this cold place, sheltering me. I wish I could stay like this from now on, and forever. Nobody can touch me and I can't touch the ground, I can barely feel myself. I am weakly aware I am still alive and the only thing reminding me are my deep, calm breaths.

There is something in the cold air surrounding me, like a sound, so sweet, but so sad, a melody. I try to reach out but I can't control my arms that seem to be floating around my body, disconnected completely. That sound...it's all around me, I can feel it in my veins, burning me. I open my eyes, they seem to be the only thing I can control besides my breathing. I can see dark spots of liquid floating around in that empty space inside my head, like raindrops, only darker.

I can almost see my pitiful, pale reflection in the dark water in front of my eyes, I can barely stand to look at myself in such a disgraceful state. I can't remember when I became this way, I can't deny how much I long to disappear and I cannot help but desire to slowly crash into million little pieces, out into this space where nothing can reach me.

Suddenly, that strange, but so familiar taste fills up my mouth as one of those dark drops escapes past my dry, hard lips, over my numb tongue. Blood...

I struggle with my own self to turn my head to the side, catching and absorbing the sight of my wrists cut open, blood slowly erupting from the wounds, into the empty nothing around me, floating in heavy air. I am floating in my own blood, my feet can't touch the ground even though it feels like I'm sinking deeper into the black.

I know that sweet sound...

Those melodies...

That voice...

Like a struggle to breathe...last grasp for a life...that makes no sense. What point in saving it? it brings that sweet melody of pain, it swallows you whole and sucks you in before you dare to resist it...that melody.

Suddenly, I feel something pressing against my eyes and I try to scream but a hollow hole inside my throat swallows the sound, silencing my struggle. It feels so horrible when I try to move my arms, but they feel like somebody else's. I can't reach up to my eyes but somehow, I don't feel the need to do so. That pressure slowly lays off and suddenly, I can't connect with them again, I can't close them at all.

They're dry and painful, staring into the black, looking for something, seeking something to be seen in that empty world in front of me. A reason...but there's nothing. It's almost like I'm blind, I can't see through the fine layer of darkness, I can't reach out to remove that cataract that keeps my eyes wrapped up in that black, empty space. Inky black is all around me, keeping me captive in this cold place, sheltering me.

It's been long since that time when I still believed that somebody out there can see and can reach through the darkness that's surrounding me; for I was so afraid I will have to fall alone. Now, I fear that somebody might see me drowning and pull me up before I die. I fear I will not have enough time to finally reach the ground of that dark space I float in...I want to feel the solid ground beneath my feet again...I just want to reach the end; I have no strength to move my arms, to rip off that curtain, to see again.

In here, I am protected by pain that I seem to enjoy so much; it gives me pleasure and it will never fade into the background like all those other sensations. I rather stay blind and drown, than see and try to swim to the surface for I might see something that will hurt even more than pain itself.

Life itself is a fragile state and when breathing, we are vulnerable. Deeper we sink, harder we reach the surface, faster we crave to breath and fill our lungs with life. So, if I sink deep enough, will I die before I swim back to surface? I wonder...I try...every night...and every fall seems so fantastic.

When the time comes, will I truly lose myself?

Will I really fall through that space that keeps me still?

Will I finally feel nothing, see nothing and be everything I ever wanted? Dead?

Is that truly something I want to be?

Dead?

Sometimes I open my mouth; or more so, they hang open widely, like my jaw would be broken and that horrible laughter, deep and so frightening fills the empty air and it clutches onto me with all its furious strength, never letting go. Am I truly that insane? To laugh into the face of death, with a voice so deep and strong, voice that does not belong to me.

I keep on laughing, but I know that if I could, I would scream and cry; I don't want to lose myself that way. I want to stand tall right before I fall into my pity, not crawl on my knees. I don't want to go insane, I just want to feel...feel myself slowly die. I don't want to be a coward...to crawl...I want to stand tall when I finally become everything...but instead, I disconnect myself from my body and float, because I am afraid to stand...

I've been afraid my whole life.

I keep on locking door that is already locked to keep him from coming in.

I feel like I'm strong and sheltered, but deep inside, I'm rotting in my fear.

At some point, it will come back and slip past the locked door and find me.

I truly wish to reach the bottom, the ground, before I see that key in the door turn, even though I turned it around million times.

Inky black is all around me, keeping me captive in this cold place, sheltering me. From him...

In the end...I am nothing but afraid...

So then, I hide.

It seems weird that all this complicated shit brings me to one conclusion that I seem to reject, even though I know it's true. I'm just afraid so I hide. Like a child. Nothing more. A child...

If I were brave, I would scream out; Notice me! I would fight, even though it would hurt to restart. I am weak, therefore I try to hide and I rather stay here than face the problem. I know that someday, I will be strong enough, but it'll just be too late.

Kai lay flat on the bed, one of his hands under his cheek, the other in front of his face, almost touching his nose. He watched his fingers twitch slightly as he tried to move his hand to block out fierce morning light that hurt his eyes. His other hand was numb, with occasional spasm of pain crawling up his arm as he tried to move it to pull it from underneath his cheek.

Bed sheet was partially hanging at the side of his bed; the rest of it was tangled around his legs, putting him into slightly uncomfortable position. Morning light seem so strong, even though there was no sun; only sky, covered in dark grey clouds.

Kai sighed and took a deep breath, trying to reassure himself he was still alive, even though he wished he'd never leave that place inside his head.

A loud thunder tore the morning sky and million arrows of water crashed against the window of Kai's room, creating a weird melody; hypnotizing. Kai's half closed eyes scanned the room lazily; clothes lay on the floor and various pieces of paper covered the table; they filled Kai's trash, falling over the edge. Plain white papers, with barely a few words scrapped across that surface.

Somebody knocked on the door lightly, waiting for a reply. Kai opened his dry mouth but nothing came out of his throat, not a single sound. "Kai, are you awake? Hurry up!" his mother called from the other side of the door and pushed down the handle, but it got stuck halfway down. "Why do you keep on locking your door?" mother asked, slightly concerned as she stared at the door, trying to break the silence on the other side.

Kai sighed, but didn't say a single word; she didn't need to know. Nor she wanted to, actually. "Kai? Please, talk to me." Her voice sounded so desperate, almost like she'd be clenching onto her last hope to make a contact with her children, to try and understand them. She sounded somehow afraid to lose them. "Alright. You don't have to talk to me, but please, tell me...What have I done to you?" mother begged, but Kai only closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, his expression dull and empty.

Woman closed her eyes and leaned against the door, releasing the handle slowly; she pressed against the wooden surface with her palms, as if she was trying to push the door out of the way. Door that stood between herself and her son for a long time now. "I will try to understand you...if you just tell me what I have done to make you hate me." She whispered and stood there, listening to catch a sound of movement or a single word from her son, even if he'd only tell her to leave. It would be enough.

Kai slowly lifted his head and rolled over to face the ceiling above his head. He got up and scanned the room again, frowning as he noticed one particular thing he didn't notice a night before; or a year ago. There, to his left was a picture of him and his father, sitting on the floor, both laughing. Kai frowned, glaring at the little boy in the picture; how could he be so blind? Didn't he know that this man will ruin his life?

Kai managed to untangle his legs and swayed them to the side of the bed, his bare feet touching the carpeted floor of his room. 'Ground beneath my feet.' he got up slowly and walked toward a small bathroom to his left and grabbed a picture as he walked by, taking it with him. Without paying more attention to it, he stretched his arm forward and released the picture carelessly, smiling satisfied as he heard glass crack that followed after a small splash. Kai slammed the toilet lid down angrily before he turned around to face the mirror, frowning as he noticed a red mark on his cheek. He looked like shit; dark shadows under his eyes, perfectly matching a black bruise on his shoulder and his pale skin that made all the marks stand out in all their painful glory.

Kai didn't bother with the bruises further; he would cover them anyways. He took a pair of long black and white gloves off of a small shelve and pulled them on, all the way up to his elbows to hide his arms as much as possible. Those fresh gashes reminded him of everything he was going through but they kept him calm and somehow at peace; it kept his tears inside, where they should stay...

"Bryan..." woman with dark, long hair sat down in front of her older son, looking at him with a worried look. Boy didn't look up from his breakfast; a slice of toast and a glass of water. "Please, don't you do this to me too." Woman demanded with upset voice, reaching out to cover Bryan's hand with her own; Bryan looked up and removed his hand off of the table before she could touch it. "What...mother?" he asked, looking at her, his face not really expressing anything aside annoyance and obvious disappointment. "I...What have I done to you and your brother, baby? You two won't talk to me at all, no matter how much I try..." woman mumbled, feeling slightly guilty; she knew it was something she kept on doing repeatedly, but it couldn't be that bad. They should understand it wasn't her fault.

"I really don't wanna talk about this." Bryan shook his head and grabbed his plate, turning around to leave the dining room. He sensed a huge fight coming and he just wanted to get the hell out of that apartment before their father wakes up and starts yet another painful confrontation. "You never talk at all." Mother said angrily and stood too, walking around the table into the kitchen, leaving Bryan standing there. "You never say anything either." He muttered and drank his water, walking into the kitchen, placing plate and glass into the washing machine. He didn't look at his mother as he walked out, into her hall to check on Kai.

"Kai, get your ass up! We gotta go." He muttered and banged on the door since he expected it to be locked, like always. He waited for couple of moments, glancing toward the bedroom door down the hall, hoping his banging wasn't too loud to wake their father up before they could get out of the apartment. Bryan heard lock click few times and Kai opened the door, wearing that usual frown on his face, black bag over his shoulder. "Wow, what happened to you, bro?" Bryan stared at Kai's pale face, nicely decorated with dark bags underneath his red eyes. "No make-up?" he asked as he noticed Kai didn't paint his usual triangles either. "Face paint. Let's go." Kai muttered and pushed past Bryan, hurrying toward the end of the hall to exit their apartment as fast as possible. "Ok, I'll just get my car keys." Bryan nodded more to himself, opening door of his room to grab keys that lay on the desk.

Bryan closed the apartment door as he walked out, seeing Kai was waiting for him at the elevator, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed. "Did she try to talk to you again?" Bryan asked and pressed the button few times, growling impatiently because the door just wouldn't open. Kai nodded and pushed himself away from the wall, following Bryan once the damn door finally opened and they both leaned against the wall, watching as door slid together lazily. Elevator moved to life and started to drop pretty fast.

Kai pulled out a pack of cigarettes and pulled one out, searching for a lighter; he was sure it was in one of his pockets. Bryan looked up and noticed a fag in Kai's mouth, sighing "Since when do you smoke?" Kai looked at him when he finally found his lighter; he looked at Bryan and raised one eyebrow "Since always. It's time to wake up, brother. I've been doing all sorts of shit for two years now." Kai told him calmly and put lighter into his pocket, smoke erupting from his nostrils, disappearing into the thick air inside the elevator. "Actually, I noticed you've become more like me. Which I'm not happy about, but I can live with it." Bryan smirked and Kai returned the grin, blowing smoke out of his mouth, watching as it slowly swirled and floated toward the ceiling of the elevator.

"There he is!" Tyson yelped and jumped up, waving his hands around, looking ridiculously stupid. kai groaned as he noticed him, waving like crazy; he was just not fitting into their little group of grouchy Russians, ready to bite anyone who dares to talk to them. Kai pushed his way through the crowded hall to finally stop at his locker, paying no attention to his friends.

"Good morning to you too, Kai." Ian greeted him sorely and eyed Kai, who didn't even look at him while taking off his black jacket. "Is it?" Kai replied and slammed his locker door, finally glancing at Ian and other guys that stood there, minus Tala, who was leaning against the lockers. "You seem happier today." Redhead commented and motioned for Kai to come closer. " I know. Those pills are magical." Kai smirked and hugged Tala around the waist, leaning against him to kiss him on the lips.

"Yeah sure, you're a real sunshine." Tyson commented and watched as Kai completely dominated Tala, going down to kiss redhead's neck, making him grin widely. "Funny thing, I always thought Tala gets to be the dominant one." Tyson chuckled, but his comment was easily ignored by Kai; it didn't go unnoticed by Tala though. "Since you're taller and older, it's kind of expected." Tyson continued on talking, forcing Kai and Tala to stop their activities and turn to glare at him. "I don't think so, Tyson. Age or height's got nothing to do with dominance." Kai muttered and Tala hugged him back, still sending death to Tyson with his eyes.

"Sure, but a lot of people including me thinks-!" Tyson was cut off by Tala's palm that attached to his face, silencing him. "Who cares what you think!" Tala growled and pushed Tyson away, turning back to Kai who only grinned. "A lot of people." Tyson quickly recovered and crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly, smirk plastered on his face. "Name one." Tala chuckled, daring Tyson to reply this time. "Hmph...ummm...a-a lot of people!"

"I want names, Tyson."

"Does family count?" Tyson asked carefully, crossing his fingers.

"No. Family's out of the question. Of course parents will care what their kids think." Tala huffed and focused on Tyson completely, ignoring Kai's annoyed growl. "You're right." Tyson admitted, but Kai didn't really agree with them. In fact, he didn't agree at all.

"I don't think so. My parents give a shit about what I think or need." Kai jumped in after all, daring them to prove him wrong. "Well, yeah. But your parents are different. Your father-" Tyson frowned, but stopped as Kai glared at him, shutting him up instantly. "I know. He's a fucking drunk. But a lot of parents give a crap about their kids, trust me. My mother only wanted me until I grew up. Now I'm just another bothersome teenager she's forced to put up with."

"Kai, don't turn this into another depressing 'Story-of-our-pitiful-lives' episode." Tyson whined and slapped his hand over his mouth right after, knowing he shouldn't say that. "What? Do you actually have a nerve to say that into my face?! Do you have any idea how lucky you are you don't know the real story, asshole?!" Kai yelled, turning all the unnecessary attention toward them. "Kai, calm down. I didn't mean it like that." Tyson whimpered, backing off to a safer spot, away from kai.

"You just had to hit the nerve, Granger!" Kai yelled and Tala tried to stop him from killing Tyson by holding bluenette as hard as he could. "I didn't say anything that bad!" Tyson yelled back, slowly getting pretty annoyed by Kai's sudden breakout; it's not like he accused Kai of being responsible for his own depressing self like he did a few weeks ago.

"Nice work, Tyson. He's going to hate you for another two weeks now." Spencer frowned; he stood by the side only watching, hoping they will manage to avoid any arguing until that moment when Kai got all animalistic on Tyson. "What? Oh c'mon! I didn't mean to, really!" Tyson hissed and turned to look at Kai, who was still glaring fire at him. "What's your problem anyways? You don't go and jump on your friends like that! Not in your right mind!" he yelled, hoping his weird strategy will make Kai realise how pointless this whole thing was; after all, it was meant to be a joke.

"I know I'm insane, thanks a lot! I have to be really insane to talk to you anyways!" Kai hissed angrily as he pushed his way past Tyson, Tala following with a frown on his face. "You're such a thick, stubborn git! I already said I'm sorry, ok?!" Tyson spat and turned around, getting seriously pissed by Kai's weird behaviour. "You can shove that forced apology up your huge ass, Tyson!" kai yelled since he was already pushing his way through the crowd, toward the toilets.

"What's his problem!? Are his pants too tight!?" Tyson turned to yell at Spencer, who didn't seem to be pretty happy with the idea of being Tyson's next target. "He's got a lot of personal problems; none of it is your business by the way. Just don't talk about depression around him. Try to understand he's a very complicated person with even more complicated life." Spencer explained, taking his bag to leave for his first lesson. "Why should I understand him if he's not even trying to understand other people?" Tyson groaned and rolled his eyes stubbornly, really starting to get on Spencer's last nerve.

"If you're his friend, like you referred to yourself, you should know why he goes all psycho when it comes to jokes about depression. Bye-bye now."

"You can't just wave me off like that! What should I do? It's not like I'm the first to apologies! Hey!"

"I'm not bothering with you anymore!"

"Spencer!"

"..."

"I will not be ignored!"

"..."

Kai stormed into the male toilet, completely forgetting Tala was after him so he slammed the door shut on his way. "Wow! Don't get all bitchy on me now!" Tala yelped and stopped the door with his hand before they'd hit him in the face. "I didn't know you were after me." Kai mumbled and threw his bag into the nearest corner, hugging his torso; he slid down, back pressed against the white tiled wall behind him. "I swear." Kai added and leaned against his knees with his forehead, closing those red orbs.

"I believe you..." Tala said, but he wasn't really sure what to say or do; Kai was a very complicated to understand. Tala knew Kai had problems with his father and that he suffered from slight depression; sometimes it felt like there was more to it, but Kai would always smile at him and say that doubtful "I'm fine, really." And Tala...Tala would always believe him, even though that smile was so forced, so painful.

"Look, I don't want to bother further, but you really should tell me what happened between you and Tyson." Tala started, hoping he will break that awkward silence between them; his voice sounded so calm, like Tala was trying to reassure Kai that everything will be ok. Which he was, but kai still refused to speak.

Bluenette just sat there, clutched into a ball, refusing to look at tala even though he knew it was unfair. He was constantly lying to him, pushing him away; it was killing him to lie to Tala and it was so painful to watch him worry when kai just wouldn't speak at all.

Suddenly, a pair of hand circled him slowly and Tala pressed his forehead against Kai's knees, his breathing almost as fast as Kai's. "How bad is it?" Tala suddenly whispered and that simple, yet so complicated question made Kai lift his head, looking at Tala, realising redhead was looking right into his eyes. It felt like he could see straight into Kai's soul.

"It's really bad. How do you know? I didn't tell you...I...intended to..." Kai looked away again, unable to look Tala in the eyes because he was sure he'll make up yet another lie. "Shhh. You don't need to worry about that. Trust me, after that little breakout I just knew something happened again." Tala whispered and kissed Kai lightly, not too hard since kai looked pretty fragile at the moment.

"I just wish he would stop drinking..." Kai whispered and clutched onto Tala, looking so desperate. "Did he hit you again?" Tala asked and waited for Kai's reply; bluenette didn't reply, he simply burst into bitter tears, giving shit about the fact somebody could walk into the toilet that very same moment. That was an answer good enough for Tala; he didn't need Kai to tell him his father hit him again.

"Please, just don't tell me you hurt yourself." Tala whispered and waited for Kai to reply quietly. It took Kai a couple of moments to calm down, but tears still ran out of his eyes, down his cheeks and disappeared into Tala's dark blue hooded shirt.

'Yes, I hurt myself.'

"No, I didn't hurt myself." Kai whispered and frowned, feeling that familiar pain inside his chest; it was there, every time he lied to Tala. He glanced at his wrists, hidden inside those gloves to prevent anybody from seeing those gashes. He could tell Tala; he could admit he was hurting himself; he needed help.

"You promise?"

'What a liar I am...I lie to my boyfriend...who's actually trying to help me...because he actually cares...'

"Yes, I promise."

"You know, your breakout really got me worrying. I thought it was even more serious than that." Tala mumbled and leaned against the wall, putting one hand around Kai's shoulders; they sat there, eyes closed, heads touching slightly. They didn't need to speak to know how they felt; Tala could feel vibrations of Kai's body since bluenette was still trying to hold back tears.

Tala knew there was something else, something so bad that Kai kept hidden deep within, refusing to open up; he kept a secret and decided not to share it with Tala. Redhead didn't question it, he didn't ask about it either; it was Kai's decision to tell him or lie...but it worried Tala that Kai might do something stupid to hurt himself even though this was none of his fault.

"You know, this is going to look really awkward if somebody walks in." Kai mumbled, wiping his tears away with his sleeve, hiding his face into Tala's neck; Tala nodded and tangled his fingers into silky blue, playing with Kai's hair softly. "Do you really care?" Tala asked and smiled, seeing how cute Kai looked; he was so beautiful when he was vulnerable. "No." Kai mumbled and looked up at Tala's face "I couldn't care less." He whispered and kissed Tala slightly, snuggling closer into Tala's arms, hiding his painful expression into soft fabric of Tala's clothing.

Tyson moved away from the door, his eyes closed as he took two steps backwards. He knew Kai's father was a drunk but he just couldn't believe what was actually happening. all those lies Kai told him; every bruise was just a stupid coincidence due to falling off of a skate or slipping on the bathroom floor...how stupid was he?

Stupid enough to believe all of Kai's lies.

Tyson heard enough to decide he will be the one to apologise, even though he needed a lot of answers. Violence simply wasn't enough to push Kai to a breakout in the middle of the hall. There was more to it. "Depression..." Tyson whispered and frowned right after; there was no way Kai would be depressed. He was strong willed and too stubborn to give up when it came to problems.

That called for a little research.

After the bell rang Kai and Tala left the toilets in a hurry and headed for their classrooms; Kai didn't feel like staying in school, but he was left with no other options. He could go home or stay in school; any place was better than home. It used to be bearable with his father working most of the day but now he stayed home, drinking, ever since he lost his job; due to alcohol and violent behaviour.

"Are you sure you'll manage another six lessons?" Tala asked Kai with a worried look on his face as they finally stopped at the classroom door; Kai had chemistry and Tala had Russian History next. "Tala, stop worrying. I'm fine. I think." Kai mumbled and turned around quickly, walking into the class and left Tala standing there; still looking sceptic and worried. "No, no you're not fine." Tala frowned and turned around, walking away. This was slowly getting too serious.

Kai sat down at the end of the class, next to the window that was staring into the world outside; it seemed to forget about Kai and his problems, rushing by so fast it was hard to watch life slip through his fingers, precious seconds ticking away, wasting every heartbeat; it was pointless to live if life was worse than death. There was a place where he was safe and where nothing could ever hurt him; he didn't need a heartbeat to live there. Because there, he died every night, hoping he will never come back again.

Every day seemed like this, worse than previous, nothing compared to every next day that followed. Another day out, another day in, Kai struggled to gain control, feared he will truly lose his mind when time comes, worrying he won't hold on and do something horrible to himself.

Tyson watched Kai closely, seeing how dazed out Kai looked, how hard he concentrated even though it was about time he wakes up; he was barely catching up with the rest of the class and he was just a step away from failing the semester.

Kai, on the other hand, was completely blind for the rest of the class. They were all so different; none of them carried so much anger, fear and desperations inside, none of them knew how scary but somehow blissful was when a sharp item pierced the skin, making you frown with sharp, clear pain. Sometimes, Kai cried because he was so scared, but his hands wouldn't obey. Fingers clutched around the razor and press it against his wrists; it felt so good, even though it hurt.

Pain was so clear, so uncomplicated; the easiest thing to understand, to feel.

* * *

That's it. The prologue.** If you didn't like it I promise chapter 1 will be so much better, just don't give up**. I have so many things to do so I find little time to write...

**REVIEW!!! I will be very grateful.**

**In case you're wondering...some real hardcore self-harming starts in next chapter 1(that would be next chapter) and continues until the end of the story. You will find out what is actually going on and will get to meet Kai's father...**

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